What Hurts The Most
by SereneCalamity
Summary: They kissed. Neither regretted it, they both wanted it. But what can they do now? OneShot. SongFic. Reela.


_This is my first _ER _fanfic, and I hope it's okay. It's based after the Reela kiss on the actual _ER, _something we've all been waiting for...Although how it ended up wasn't quite what I--or anyone else--expected. So sad!!_

_Anyway, hope you guys enjoy!!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, or the song._

Neela Rasgotra took a deep breath and dropped her head into her arms. Tears were pricking the corners of her eyes, but didn't fall. She desperately wanted to just cry and let everything out in tears. But she had to be strong. To get through the rest of her shift, she had to be strong. Neela blinked her eyes again and got up off the couch and walked out of the employees lounge. The cold from the winter seeped through the walls of the hospital, and Neela shivered in her small tee-shirt and flannel surgeons pants. She walked past several children, their parents standing next to them. Then there was a couple, quite young, who were hugging each other. Seeing them happy—despite the fact one of them were sick—tugged at Neela's heart.

After her shift, she walked into the changing rooms, and saw Ray Barnett. He had taken off his doctors jacket and was pulling off his tee-shirt. Neela couldn't move her eyes as he tossed it to one side, revealing a toned torso and abs. Neela had seen him half-naked before—plenty of times—when they were flatting together. But that was different. That was when she had Michael, and didn't view Ray as anything other than a friend.

That was before he had kissed her.

Before everything had changed.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

Ray turned around to grab his street shirt and he saw her. He hesitated, and bit his lower lip. Neela quickly averted her eyes and walked past him. She twirled in the combination for her locker and pulled out jeans and a turtle-neck. She tried not to blush as she pulled of her top, revealing just her bra and a see-through camisole, and pulled the turtle-neck on. She could feel Ray's eyes on her, but she tried to ignore the feeling. She knew she would be overtaken with the urge to kiss him again if she turned around and looked at him. She pulled off her pants and quickly pulled her jeans on.

"Neela," Ray started in his soft voice. Neela turned around, but kept her eyes on the ground. "We really need to talk." Neela bit her lip. She knew he was right. But she didn't want to talk. She didn't know what to do. "Please?" Neela looked up at him, and into his deep eyes. He took a step closer to her. He was about to kiss her when Neela threw up her hands.

"No, Ray, don't," she turned away. "This is awkward enough." Ray sighed deeply and crossed his arms. "I don't know what to say, so….we can talk later." Neela knew the longer she left it, the more difficult it would be, but that didn't stop her putting it off. She threw her outfit into the locker and rushed out of the room, ignoring Ray calling after her.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

Ray woke up in the middle of the night, sweating. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and rested his elbows on his knees. Dropping his head into his hands, he groaned loudly. He didn't know what to do. Everything he thought about revolved around Neela. He couldn't get her out of his head. He got out of bed and walked into the kitchen to get a drink. He remembered she always used to stand against the bench when he was cooking something new. She would tease him relentless about it, even though she knew it was going to be good. He would let her taste it, and she would finally admit it was _'only okay' _even though she would always have seconds.

Ray shook his head and stopped staring at the bench. He tipped the rest of his glass down the drain and checked the clock. He only had ten more minutes before he had to be up anyway, since he had an early morning shift, so he had a shower and changed slowly. Ray got out of the shower and tied the towel around his waist. There were still a few things that belonged to Neela. There was a purple _Schick _razor, a heart-shaped soap and a small tube of testing perfume. He didn't know why he hadn't thrown them out or given them back. They stayed on the bench next to the sink, by his razor and tooth-brush.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' it  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

At work, Abby Lockhart was moving around with a smile on her face. She had left her fiancé, Luka Kovac, at home with a cold and their son, Joseph Lockhart-Kovac. Ray surveyed Abby for a moment as they both had their break. She was leaning back on the sofa, her hands cupping a mug of coffee. He walked over and sat on the table in front of her, and she raised her eyebrows at him.

"Hey," he began. Abby smiled at him and leaned forward in her seat.

"Hi, Ray," she said. "What's up?"

"Well…" Ray drifted off, not sure where to begin. "I'm having some problems…with Neela…" Abby nodded encouragingly. "We kissed, and now things are really awkward." A smile broke out across Abby's face and she shook her head.

"It took you guys long enough," Abby announced. Ray looked confused.

"What, the problems or the awkwardness?" He asked with raised eyebrows. Abby laughed and shook her head again.

"The kiss! You two have liked each other for so long, it drives the rest of us insane waiting for you to do something….I'm so glad that you finally kissed her," Abby smiled and nodded. "Just go and kiss her again, everything will be fine after that."

"How can you be so sure?" Ray asked her.

"Do you love her?" Abby asked suddenly. Ray blinked and thought for a moment. And then he nodded.

"Yeah, I do," he mumbled, dropping his head into his hands. She patted his knee with her hand.

"And she loves you too," she murmured. Ray looked up at her again, once again confused. Abby nodded at the door of the room, where Neela was standing, her eyes open wide and filled with happiness. She had a dreamy smile on her face which widened when Ray noticed her and crossed the room. Abby quickly slipped out.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

"You heard all of that?" Ray asked nervously. Neela smiled at him and lowered her eyes, nodding. "Even the last part?" Neela nodded again and looked up at him. "And you…don't mind?" Neela took a step closer, so she was looking directly up at him.

"Why should I mind…when I feel the same way?" Neela asked him slowly. Realization flickered over Ray's face and he grinned down at her, bringing his hand to her cheek and caressing it with his thumb. Neela's smile dissolved as she stared up at him, entranced. His thumb kept caressing her cheek and her eyes slowly closed and she let out a small whimper.

"You love me?" Ray asked. Neela's eyes opened again and she stared up at him with clear eyes.

"Yes. I love you."

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

Ray lowered his head and kissed her softly on the mouth. Neela's arms went around his waist, and then up to his neck, pulling his face closer to hers. They were completely oblivious to everything else around them, caring about nothing else.

Outside, Abby was watching through the window, a smile on her face. She shook her head and grinned before walking off.

_Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do_

_There is a really good Reela music video on YouTube set to this song, and you can find it if you type in...something...I can't remember what. But it's really good!!_

_Please review!!_


End file.
